I can't live in this fucking HELL hole anymore!
This is why I hate everyone in my family:
Dad- He has absolutely no respect for me as a person. I think he does respect me academically and has even told me I'm a better writer than him (and trust me, his ego is far from tiny). But as for who I am personally...he has never said a positive thing. My whole life, all I've heard is that I think I'm the center of the universe, that I'm self-absorbed, etc. NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER TOLD ME THIS, yet I've accepted it as truth. People tend to tell me that I worry too much about hurting people's feelings, and that I shouldn't be so hard on MYSELF. FAR cry from what I've learned from my daddy. From my daddy, I have learned that I am selfish. From my daddy, I have learned that I deserve to be cursed at and verbally abused. From my daddy, I have learned what I am worth. Dirt.
Not to say I don't have really fun times with my dad, but I'm like a beaten puppy with him. He says something that hurts deeply, but I try to ignore it and come crawling back to him, and we have a good time for a while, then SMACK. Slapped again (figuratively, I've never been physically abused). It's so confusing and unsettling but the pattern's been like this for as long as I can remember.
Mom- We used to have an awesome relationship. I wouldn't say we have a bad one now, but it's not great. I can live with that. What hurts the most is when she doesn't defend me from my father. She knows how hurtful he can be and has experienced it firsthand. Yet when my dad and I argue, she usually tells me to take the high road and let him scream at me. I've been doing that for 16 years and all it's done is help earn me a potentially deadly illness (the ed). I'm not blaming my eating disorder on my father, but I think the way he speaks to me and treats me has definitely contributed to my self-loathing. So what hurts me about my mom is that she passively watches it happen. I wish she'd make him stop instead of expecting me to become numb to it, because I try so hard not to soak in everything my dad tells me about myself but I can't help it, he's my daddy and he's always been right and if he says I'm selfish I must be. It's a fucking mind
warp.
Julie- my middle sister. She's 13. Enough said.
Heather-my youngest sister. she's 11. she's conniving, bratty, and manipulative and I hate it.
So overall...it's hell. All crying does is give me a headache. Time to blaze until I forget how to feel.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Time's slipping away
Can't believe it's already November...
I've been pretty okay. ED wise I'm a couple lbs higher than I'd like to be. I'm almost at the weight I was when I was "fresh out of treatment" for the first time, which is also the highest I've ever been. Logically I know I'm in my ideal range if not under it, but coupled with the crap I've been eating and my lack of exercise I just feel lumpy and chubby.
School is really getting intense. I'm a sophomore at a magnet high school and the workload is soooo much more than last year. It's not extremely difficult but there's just so much to do. This trimester I've been taking 12 classes- American Literature II, Marketing, Business Management, Chemistry, Criminology, Driver's Ed, French III, Math Analysis II (Pre-calc), Musical Theatre Writing, SAP technology, Stock Market, and World History. I love Criminology and theater writing. I don't *hate* any of my classes. I'm pretty happy with school right now. Though I had a dream that I transferred to my town high school because of all the pressure I've been feeling.
I've been attending bi-weekly ANAD (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) meetings. The groups are a lot less formal than group therapy, but still really helpful and supportive. If anyone lives in the NY/NJ area and wants to go, email me and I'll send you the info about it. Other than that, I've been treatment-free and maintaining weight since April.
I've always know this intellectually, but I'm starting to accept that I'm always going to have to coexist with my eating disorder. I don't think it will ever go away fully. But I'm keeping it at bay and everything's okay.
I've been pretty okay. ED wise I'm a couple lbs higher than I'd like to be. I'm almost at the weight I was when I was "fresh out of treatment" for the first time, which is also the highest I've ever been. Logically I know I'm in my ideal range if not under it, but coupled with the crap I've been eating and my lack of exercise I just feel lumpy and chubby.
School is really getting intense. I'm a sophomore at a magnet high school and the workload is soooo much more than last year. It's not extremely difficult but there's just so much to do. This trimester I've been taking 12 classes- American Literature II, Marketing, Business Management, Chemistry, Criminology, Driver's Ed, French III, Math Analysis II (Pre-calc), Musical Theatre Writing, SAP technology, Stock Market, and World History. I love Criminology and theater writing. I don't *hate* any of my classes. I'm pretty happy with school right now. Though I had a dream that I transferred to my town high school because of all the pressure I've been feeling.
I've been attending bi-weekly ANAD (Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) meetings. The groups are a lot less formal than group therapy, but still really helpful and supportive. If anyone lives in the NY/NJ area and wants to go, email me and I'll send you the info about it. Other than that, I've been treatment-free and maintaining weight since April.
I've always know this intellectually, but I'm starting to accept that I'm always going to have to coexist with my eating disorder. I don't think it will ever go away fully. But I'm keeping it at bay and everything's okay.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Birthday
I've been so busy lately. Today is my birthday. I'm 16. I don't want to drag any ED negativity into this post so I'll just say the positives- I got an ipod touch and have and had some good birthday plans =]
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
An Actual Update...
It's been a while.
Camp was fantastic. I was in a circus act that I loved (my camp has a circus program) called aerial straps. I was in the ensemble of the show "How to Succeed Without Really Trying." Plus so much more. I wish I could have gone longer than 3 weeks. I'm planning on going NINE next year. It will be my 6th year going.
I might be getting breast reduction surgery soon. I know it SOUNDS out of the blue, but I've wanted it for about two years. I try to refrain from talking about body size on this blog, but just as a reference point I'm a pretty small person and my bra size is almost a 32DD. It's probably not medically necessary for me to get the surgery but I've talked to multiple therapists about it and I believe that it will improve my mental health and body image to have regular sized breasts.
There are some things that I wonder if I shouuld be posting publically (here)- including a lot of things I HAVEN'T said. I want to write freely but I also want to get into Harvard, so...I need to monitor what I say. Someone who really wanted to (and who has experience stalking) would probably be able to recognize who I am from the information I've posted here. So I don't want to talk about some of my recent thoughts and activities.
School is going pretty well. I'm in my sophomore year. Today I took the practice preSATs. It was long and boring. I finished a giant history packet that was assigned the day BEFORE school started (yeah nerd school!). I also did some math work, read chapter 7 of the driver's ed manual, did a Criminology assignment, and a French worksheet. I checked my GPA online( from last year)- 3.931. I'm slightly disappointed. I want to keep it above 3.95. The average highschool GPA for Harvard students is 3.94. I need to step up to the plate and work harder. I'm taking three electives this trimester, to start- Criminology, Stock Market, and Musical Theater Writing. My other classes include American Lit II, World History I, Marketing, Management, French 3, Pre Calculus, Driver's Ed, Chemistry, and Technology II.
I want to do at least one sport this year, preferably during the fitness section of Phys. Ed. because I'd be exempt and I find exercise machines triggering.
I also want to start volunteer work, even though it doesn't count for a certain program I'm in until Junior year.
I was going to run for president of the soph council but I chickened out.
Basically I'm trying to think of ways to pump my college apps. I WANT HARVARD. Badly.
That's it for now, I can't really think straight.
Camp was fantastic. I was in a circus act that I loved (my camp has a circus program) called aerial straps. I was in the ensemble of the show "How to Succeed Without Really Trying." Plus so much more. I wish I could have gone longer than 3 weeks. I'm planning on going NINE next year. It will be my 6th year going.
I might be getting breast reduction surgery soon. I know it SOUNDS out of the blue, but I've wanted it for about two years. I try to refrain from talking about body size on this blog, but just as a reference point I'm a pretty small person and my bra size is almost a 32DD. It's probably not medically necessary for me to get the surgery but I've talked to multiple therapists about it and I believe that it will improve my mental health and body image to have regular sized breasts.
There are some things that I wonder if I shouuld be posting publically (here)- including a lot of things I HAVEN'T said. I want to write freely but I also want to get into Harvard, so...I need to monitor what I say. Someone who really wanted to (and who has experience stalking) would probably be able to recognize who I am from the information I've posted here. So I don't want to talk about some of my recent thoughts and activities.
School is going pretty well. I'm in my sophomore year. Today I took the practice preSATs. It was long and boring. I finished a giant history packet that was assigned the day BEFORE school started (yeah nerd school!). I also did some math work, read chapter 7 of the driver's ed manual, did a Criminology assignment, and a French worksheet. I checked my GPA online( from last year)- 3.931. I'm slightly disappointed. I want to keep it above 3.95. The average highschool GPA for Harvard students is 3.94. I need to step up to the plate and work harder. I'm taking three electives this trimester, to start- Criminology, Stock Market, and Musical Theater Writing. My other classes include American Lit II, World History I, Marketing, Management, French 3, Pre Calculus, Driver's Ed, Chemistry, and Technology II.
I want to do at least one sport this year, preferably during the fitness section of Phys. Ed. because I'd be exempt and I find exercise machines triggering.
I also want to start volunteer work, even though it doesn't count for a certain program I'm in until Junior year.
I was going to run for president of the soph council but I chickened out.
Basically I'm trying to think of ways to pump my college apps. I WANT HARVARD. Badly.
That's it for now, I can't really think straight.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Tears
Too many tears. I'm hurting so much inside right now. It feels like my insides are being twisted and ripped and lit on fire. My anxiety is so high that I can feel every fat-filled cell on my body making rolls of squishy FAT. I feel it and it feels like it's drowning me. I feel like it is suffocating me. I would gladly welcome death right now but I'm not suicidal...I just wouldn't mind if I got the opportunity to stop this hell.
If I say the main reasons for my torment I'll be taken for a whining baby because no one else can fathom what it means to me. It would seem like no big deal to other people but for me it is the most painful thing ever. I'll just say that I've been deprived of my main healthy coping skill and it's taking ever last fat-filled fiber of strength NOT to revert to unhealthy ones. If I say what it is my pain won't seem as real. Picture a person being torn up and tortured in every possible way, but mentally. That image is me.
If I say the main reasons for my torment I'll be taken for a whining baby because no one else can fathom what it means to me. It would seem like no big deal to other people but for me it is the most painful thing ever. I'll just say that I've been deprived of my main healthy coping skill and it's taking ever last fat-filled fiber of strength NOT to revert to unhealthy ones. If I say what it is my pain won't seem as real. Picture a person being torn up and tortured in every possible way, but mentally. That image is me.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Hate
I. HATE. my house. Like it's seriously HELL. My dad has chronic fatigue syndrome and he spends every active moment with the dog. It's like we don't even exist anymore. My mom is crazy busy with work (she's a therapist) and she's cranky ALL the time. My littlest sister is 10 and awful. The middle sister..is hormonal and irritable. And I'm just a mess. This house has more tension than Big Brother. I can't WAIT to go to camp- August 9th, maybe the 8th because I want to go up a day early and get a good bed. Until then, I'm sleeping through days and reading all night. Wasting life day by day. I should realllly get to my summer reading but I have no motivation. sucks.
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